#mumoirs

#Mumoirs
tales of the funny little lady who raised me

Just discovered that ❤Mum thought the character Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit’ was called Walid...

❤Mum received a letter today that she was a bit confused about so asked me to read it to her, basically on the 17th she can’t use the bathroom taps between 12 and 5 due to maintenance work so I tell her this. I then ask her to confirm it back to me…

Me: so what do you have to do on the 17th?
❤Mum: fill my kettle up in the morning so i can still have tea
Me: well, no...
❤Mum: oh! i can’t use any water
Me: also no.
❤Mum: i don’t know then
Me: if you use the bathroom between 12 and 5 just wash your hands in the kitchen sink and don’t have a shower or bath
❤Mum: so there’s going to be a man in my house for 4 hours?
Me: wtf? no!

I love this lady

// Watching The Chase: What type of bear has the scientific name ursus maritimus?
❤Mum: Paddington.

// At the self service machine in Co-op
Machine: Please take your receipt and shopping :)
❤Mum: Did that machine just tell me to take my receipt and shove it?

❤Mum: do you want a fruit corner?
Me: what ones have you got?
❤Mum: well I’ve got chicken ones here
Me: what?!
❤Mum: oh no, I meant crunchy. sorry love.
Me: oh yeah, "sorry"... ‘cause there was me really looking forward to a chicken one

❤Mum: there’s something wrong with my Facebook... it’s just a bunch of random links
Me: let me see...

She had googled 'Facebook' instead of putting it in the address bar and was scrolling through the search results thinking it was her news feed

❤Mum: can you show me how to play CDs on my laptop?
Me: yeah, go get a CD
❤Mum: *comes back with a Bruno Mars CD*
Me: what, you couldn’t find anything else?
❤Mum: ...

// Watching Tenable: The 10 EU countries containing the letters ‘F’ or ‘S’
❤Mum: Germany

Nobody:
❤Mum: rabbits are born without ears

Me: // takes mum by the arm and walks across the road with her
Also me: There we go, I’ve done my good deed for the day and helped an elderly lady across the road

❤Mum: Fuck off Jessica.

Me: // complaining as usual
❤Mum: do you want me to go to the shop and get you some biscuits?
Me: ... is that ok?
❤Mum: well no it’s fucking not but I’ll go anyway!
Me: ... sweet i’m getting biscuits.

Me: urgh... i’ve eaten a lot of food
❤Mum: yeah, ya have. greedy cow.

Making a Christmas playlist and ❤Mum tells me to “add that song by E45” ... she means East 17

I think ❤Mum has a had a little too much wine this evening... (pointing at her own feet) “they always remind me of marshmallows”

❤Mum: would you like a winegum?
Me: oh, no thank you
❤Mum: don't worry they don't actually have wine in them
Me: why do you have them then?

❤Mums fortune cookie only had 'Wine (jiŭ)' written inside it. Couldn't be more accurate!

Took me a while to twig that ❤Mum was talking about 50 Cent since she kept calling him 10%