#threadache

#Threadache
a twist on threads, just a surge of my social media drivel

December

Buying someone a Christmas present using the gift voucher they gave me last year.

Is it cheating to use sign language when playing charades?

FML

Thought I was lighting a fancy incense stick. Turned out to be a sparkler.

Me: So would the male equivalent of a sisterhood be called a misterhood?
Lauren: … brotherhood

Thought I’d already seen everything that being British has to offer until I saw a man swinging a Tesco’s bag at a pigeon to shoo it away

Bloke next to me at the bus stop is not only feeding the pigeons but chewing the bread first then spitting it out onto the floor for them

Trying to flip someone the bird and then realising I've got mittens on

Cut into a chicken kiev to find it has no filling. Just ruined my day.

Was having a nice little snooze when an unknown number called & a bloke started chatting to me about cats

Blew out a candle on the coffee table just as an advert on the tv went quiet and for a second my dumb ass thought I blew the telly out.

Trying to figure out why my wifi is down at the moment then realised I’ve spent the last couple of minutes staring confused at the thermostat...

Halloween

If you died when drunk would your ghost be drunk for eternity? Maybe that’s why some people claim to be haunted by angry spirits... they’re just mean drunks.

Watching Most Haunted
Yvette: footsteps heard when no one is around
Me: who the fucks hearing the footsteps then if no one is around?!

It’s sad when you’re streaming paranormal witness and the only bit that makes you scream is the buffering

Would a tranquilliser gun work on a zombie?

Jokes

Everybody else has their beer jackets on. I'm wearing my Bacardigan

Opinions

I feel like some people need to undergo an umbrella proficiency test before they’re let loose on the streets with one

Don’t get me wrong, I love Disturbed & I love KFC but using a song called "down with the sickness" on your food ad would be like Lovehoney using "ten thousand fists" on theirs

I love Steel Panther. Their songs are almost as catchy as all the STIs they sing about