28 August 2024 Feeling: dirty
I don’t understand why some customer / public toilets have the toilet lid missing. I don’t want to be sprayed with public fecal matter when I flush thanks
28 February 2024 Feeling: amused
At the self service machine in Co-op
The machine: Please take your receipt and shopping :)
Mum: Did that machine just tell me to take my receipt and shove it?
23 February 2024 Feeling: amused
Saw a couple of drunks wandering up the road and caught some of their gibberish conversation.
"Frrmerghh rrfla C*NTS klmerrrghhf pfflrrr blllrgh DON’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH fghhlrr blrrergerhh"
… neither do you pal ๐๐บ
21 February 2024 Feeling: amused
Bradley on The Chase: What type of bear has the scientific name ursus maritimus?
Mum: Paddington.
16 February 2024 Feeling: confused
Was having a nice little snooze when an unknown number called & a bloke started chatting to me about cats ๐คท๐ป♀️
14 February 2024 Feeling: amused
Don’t get me wrong, I love Disturbed & I love KFC but using a song called "down with the sickness" on your food ad would be like Lovehoney using "ten thousand fists" on theirs
01 February 2024 Feeling: stupid
Me: So would the male equivalent of a sisterhood be called a misterhood?
Lauren: … brotherhood
29 March 2023 Feeling: frustrated
Attempting to log into my Google account on a new device and have already used my password, a texted code and my thumbprint
Google: "we still need to verify it’s you"
... what? You need a stool sample now or-?
12 February 2023 Feeling: amused
Me: What do you call a caring prostitute?
Boyfriend: *thinks* ... not Eileen, that’s a one legged woman ... *continues thinking*
Me: ๐ถ it’s someone who gives a fuck
A dad joke for all the dads out there who can't say it
11 January 2023 Feeling: amused
Mum received a letter today that she was a bit confused about so asked me to read it to her, basically on the 17th she can’t use the bathroom taps between 12 and 5 due to maintenance work so I tell her this. I then ask her to confirm it back to me…
Me: so what do you have to do on the 17th?
Mum: fill my kettle up in the morning so i can still have tea
Me: well, no...
Mum: oh! i can’t use any water
Me: also no.
Mum: i don’t know then ๐คจ
Me: if you use the bathroom between 12 and 5 just wash your hands in the kitchen sink and don’t have a shower or bath
Mum: so there’s going to be a man in my house for 4 hours?
Me: wtf? no! ๐คฆ๐ป♀️๐
I love this lady ❤️๐
27 December 2022 Feeling: poorly
Exploding candy hits different when you have a sore throat and a cough
12 December 2022 Feeling: embarrassed
Must have confused getting off the bus with going to bed ‘cause when I got off the bus just now I didn’t say thank you to the driver I said "night, love you" 🤦🏻♀️
27 July 2022 Feeling: confused
"Yo mumma so fat she has to pull her jeans down to get her hands in the pockets"
Me: where the fuck is this lady buying womens jeans with actual pockets in them?
3 May 2022 Feeling: icky
Bloke next to me at the bus stop is not only feeding the pigeons but chewing the bread first then spitting it out onto the floor for them
21 March 2022 Feeling: british
Thought I’d already seen everything that being British has to offer until I saw a man swinging a Tesco’s bag at a pigeon to shoo it away
7 December 2021 Feeling: stupid
Trying to figure out why my wifi is down at the moment then realised I’ve spent the last couple of minutes staring confused at the thermostat...
14 July 2021 Feeling: confrontational
Spent my morning arguing about dinosaurs with a 9 year old and a 10 year old 🦕
6 June 2021 Feeling: nosy
*Overhearing bits of other people’s conversations in public*
Stranger talking to his friend: I started running
Me to myself: aww that’s healthy, good for him
Stranger: then I picked up a loose brick, turned around and threw it at him
Me to myself: ah, ok…
4 May 2021 Feeling: frustrated
I don’t have anywhere suitable within arms reach to balance my tea while I dunk biscuits with one hand and hold my phone in the other without disturbing my comfortable seating position.
24 April 2021 Feeling: smart
Boyfriend: you’d never be able to fire a shotgun behind you one handed and not fall off the horse
Me: it’s a movie about talking apes...
2 April 2021 Feeling: amused
Just discovered that mum thought the character Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit’ was called Walid...
12 December 2020 Feeling: relaxed
I’ve very suddenly become heavily into coffee house jazz. I play it around the house.
30 October 2020 Feeling: sarcastic
Mum: do you want a fruit corner?
Me: what ones have you got?
Mum: well I’ve got chicken ones here
Me: what?!
Mum: oh no, I meant crunchy. sorry love.
Me: oh yeah, "sorry"... ‘cause there was me really looking forward to a chicken one 🥴
28 October 2020 Feeling: amused
Mum: there’s something wrong with my Facebook... it’s just a bunch of random links
Me: let me see...
She had googled 'Facebook' instead of putting it in the address bar and was scrolling through the search results thinking it was her news feed 🤦🏻♀️😂
17 August 2020 Feeling: tired
Blew out a candle on the coffee table just as an advert on the tv went quiet and for a second my dumb ass thought I blew the telly out.
28 June 2020 Feeling: content
In a really good mood today but mostly just because my dress has pockets
14 February 2020 Feeling: amused
Mum: can you show me how to play CDs on my laptop?
Me: yeah, go get a CD
Mum: *comes back with a Bruno Mars CD*
Me: what, you couldn’t find anything else?
Mum: 😐
2019
11 December 2019 Feeling: conflicted
Is it ok to buy someone a Christmas present using the gift voucher they gave you last year?
4 November 2019 Feeling: ashamed
Yelled at the dog for going near my chocolate, but my initial thought was not “because it’s harmful to dogs” instead “because I don’t want to share” 😳😬
3 September 2019 Feeling: speechless
Boyfriend: *smirking to himself*
Me: What are you smirking at?
Boyfriend: I bought 200 glow sticks by mistake
30 August 2019 Feeling: amused
Watching Tenable: The 10 EU countries containing the letters ‘F’ or ‘S’
Mum: Germany
31 July 2019 Feeling: shafted
Woke up in a foul mood this morning. I dreamt someone made chicken wraps so I went to take one but was told “oh no, those are for later”. Later never came since I woke up before getting to eat a chicken wrap. Fuming.
26 June 2019 Feeling: speechless
Nobody:
Mum: rabbits are born without ears
14 May 2019 Feeling: puzzled
Would a tranquilliser gun work on a zombie? 🤔
29 April 2019 Feeling: puzzled
If you died when drunk would your ghost be drunk for eternity? Maybe that’s why some people claim to be haunted by angry spirits... they’re just mean drunks.
12 March 2019 Feeling: confused
Watching Most Haunted
Yvette: footsteps heard when no one is around
Me: who the fucks hearing the footsteps then if no one is around?!
2018
29 November 2018 Feeling: amused
Me: *takes mum by the arm and walks across the road with her*
Also me: There we go, I’ve done my good deed for the day and helped an elderly lady across the road
Mum: Fuck off Jessica! 😡🤬
29 October 2018 Feeling: stupid
Flipping someone the bird and then realising you still have your mittens on 😩
24 October 2018 Feeling: tired
Told myself I was going to get an early night yet here I am on Youtube discovering Japanese electro-swing...
5 October 2018 Feeling: cared for
Me: *complaining as usual*
Mum: do you want me to go to the shop and get you some biscuits?
Me: ... is that ok?
Mum: well no it’s fucking not but I’ll go anyway!
Me: ... sweet i’m getting biscuits.
20 September 2018 Feeling: bloated
Me: urgh... i’ve eaten a lot of food
Mum: yeah, ya have. greedy cow.
25 May 2018 Feeling: stupid
I like when I think something is a touchscreen but it isn’t, and then I look like an idiot.
3 May 2018 Feeling: sneaky
Is it cheating to use sign language when playing charades?
3 April 2018 Feeling: attacked
I feel like some people need to undergo an umbrella proficiency test before they’re let loose on the streets with one
17 January 2018 Feeling: irritated
It’s sad when you’re streaming paranormal witness and the only bit that makes you scream is the buffering 😐
2017
25 November 2017 Feeling: festive
Making a Christmas playlist and mum tells me to “add that song by E45” ... she means East 17 🙄😂
6 October 2017 Feeling: confused
I think mum has a had a little too much wine this evening... (pointing at her own feet) “they always remind me of marshmallows” 🤷🏻♀️😂
25 September 2017 Feeling: stupid
Had a dream last night that I had a painful wound on my leg. Woke up to find a deodorant can lid in my bed that i'd been sleeping on all night 🤦🏻♀️😳
11 September 2017 Feeling: icky
When someone who you don't really know very well asks if you have tattoos anywhere "else" 😟
18 July 2017 Feeling: impatient
Been waiting so long for my bus I'm actually starting to get a tan 😒
22 March 2017 Feeling: sarcastic
Mum: would you like a winegum?
Me: oh, no thank you
Mum: don't worry they don't actually have wine in them
Me: why do you have them then? 😂
2016
29 December 2016 Feeling: disappointed
Cut into a chicken kiev to find it has no filling. Just ruined my day.
19 December 2016 Feeling: amused
Boyfriend: what do you want in your omelette?
Me: parma ham
Boyfriend: is that cheese?
Me: no, that's parmesan...
27 October 2016 Feeling: tired
Kept waking myself up all night 'cause I could hear myself talking in my sleep 😒😴
12 September 2016 Feeling: bored
When you're patiently waiting to jump out and scare someone but they're taking ages just faffing about in the next room...
17 March 2016 Feeling: sore
Forgot to put cold water in the bath 😖
2015
30 December 2015 Feeling: amused
Mums fortune cookie only had 'Wine (jiลญ)' written inside it. Couldn't be more accurate! 😂 #glugglug
26 November 2015 Feeling: stupid
Thought I was lighting a fancy incense stick. Turned out to be a sparkler.
27 August 2015 Feeling: amused
Me: Would you like me to do a sketch of you?
Boyfriend: Sure, if you want to. All you'd have to do is draw a potato.
2 March 2015 Feeling: amused
Took me a while to twig that mum was talking about 50 Cent since she kept calling him 10% 😂
2014
8 May 2014 Feeling: lucky
Won a free Kitkat today. It made my day.
2013
14 July 2013 Feeling: amused
Everybody else has their beer jackets on. I'm wearing my Bacardigan 🤭
27 June 2013 Feeling: concerned
I keep finding money spiders in my hair 😕
